Or: How I Inadvertently Gave Myself The World's Most Effective Birth Control Through Major Surgery (TW: Infertility, medical stuff, some religious stuff)

I've been trying to write this for most of the day, and I'm having a lot of trouble. Let me put it this way:

So, the Captain and I have been trying to construct a spawn of our own to unleash on the world for some time now and it still hasn't happened. HOO—-oh wait, fuck. We actually want kids. Cap and I will be 36 and 33 (respectively) this year. Not so hooray. And double fuck.

This is a fear that has been looming over us ever since I recovered enough to know that I would live, and probably live for quite a long time (HA! TAKE THAT, DEATH!). We questioned every single doctor and specialist ad nauseam about our fertility chances, scar tissue, long lasting side effects of medication, everything.

I even switched gynecologists, specifically to go to someone who was partnered with a fertility specialist "just in case," but I knew that wouldn't be me.


Turns out: it is me. I am infertile and it is my fault.

Right now, it is looking like the most likely diagnosis I will receive, once my full report is reviewed by my doctor tomorrow (we just went over the prelim today) is Asherman's Syndrome. Just reading the symptoms and prognoses, a million angry questions go through my head:

* Why didn't I fight harder for testing during the two years I didn't have a period after my trauma. Why the fuck was I so stupid to just believe my old gynecologist that my body was "giving me a break"?


* Why can't I remember how strictly I adhered to my antibiotic regimen after getting my positive dormant TB diagnosis?

* Why did I have so much surgery?

* Why did I think I didn't want kids for so long that I didn't care what happened to my uterus as long as I got a period?


* Why did I believe my mom when she told me it would be easy?

* Why is my gynecologist already talking about IVF when we haven't even gone through the full report yet? Wait, why am I agreeing to this over the phone? WAIT, SHUT UP STUPID, SHUT UP!


We talk on here a lot about the state of the uterus and the appalling legislation regarding reproductive rights, but we seem to only focus on abortion. I am not saying that isn't important, but I'm really fucking angry that I was just told by my gynecologist to "open up a savings account" for IVF because it's not covered on insurance. I'll have to check my coverage again, but I'm fairly certain my insurance has little to no fertility coverage (fuck, it barely covers maternity & delivery).


We can't afford IVF (and even if we saved, it would be years before we could even try). We cannot afford to adopt (never mind the fact that we would probably be turned away from most every legitimate agency because of our credit being obliterated during my illness, our mostly freelance work histories that includes unemployment during particularly rough patches [which most everyone reads as code for: deadbeats who shouldn't have kids because they're irresponsible], and my health history).

Basically, in the next few days, we as a couple, a couple who desperately wants children, have to face the very real possibility that we may not be able to have a family. Period.



I swear to Christ if anyone comes at me with "God has a plan," I will lose my fucking shit. I have already been told numerous times that, "You should just be happy you're alive; you can't ask God for more." What the fuck? Don't you think I already know God has a plan? What fucking hotline to Heaven are you on that you feel personally obligated to comfort me with a piece of information I already fucking know? And btw, fuck you dogmatic religious asshole who told me I couldn't ask God for more. Don't you think I haven't already spent a shitload of nights awake feeling guilty for even wanting children after having to be resuscitated twice?

If anyone comes at me with, "But think of how lucky you are! You can do anything you want and travel the world without obligation!" I will lose my fucking shit. One of my biggest dreams has been to explore the world with my family. My favorite thing to do in life (besides write) is to have fun with kids and teach them stuff. Cap and I want to home school for a few years for the specific plan of traveling with our kids so they can experience different cultures firsthand.

Right now, I'm just hoping that this scar tissue isn't so bad, and that, between a hysteroscopy and/or lap surgery, it can be removed and we can get pregnant naturally. Otherwise...fuck.